Helping our little humans with BIG feelings.

Have you ever read an email and it just hit you the wrong way? Like the kind that sits in your stomach and makes your hands shake? You immediately think and ready yourself to respond; however, you find yourself taking a deep breath, thinking about the situation, and deciding to step away and address it later. Great job! You were able to resist your impulse and practice a healthy coping strategy to help regulate yourself. It’s a great thing that you’ve had many years for your brain to develop, time to identify strategies, and to practice what works best for you.

All of us parents have seen it happen before - Your toddler wakes up from their nap, seems to be in a happy mood (thankfully!), you take them downstairs, ask what snack they would like to eat, and then… A royal meltdown because you put it in the wrong bowl. How were you supposed to know that they wanted to blue bowl and NOT the green bowl? Because our kids haven’t had the chance to master or develop impulse control and regulatory strategies, meltdowns can be quite common.

Teaching and modeling self-regulation skills are one of the best things that we as caregivers can model to our children because these are skills that they will need for the rest of their lives. Toddlers (especially) and children are at an early stage of social-emotional development, which is why it is really important to maintain a calm state, be prepared, and be consistent with the approach and language that you use. It’s never too early to work on these skills. Here are some strategies and language that you can start practicing with your little one.

Where do I Start?

I can’t stress this enough: When your toddler or child is having a meltdown, that is NOT a teachable moment. When we work on developing coping skills to help regulate our behaviors and emotions, so that we can “reset”, we want to work on these skills and strategies when your child is not escalated. Once you’ve had time to work with your child on different strategies when they are feeling in control of their bodies and feelings, we can then use strategies as they become more escalated.

Mid-Tantrum is not the time for:

• Teaching

• Negotiating

• Reasoning

• Punishing

Rather, when your child is escalated, maintain a calm state, support your child, ensure safety, and ride it out.

As your child comes down from their tantrum:

• Maintain a calm state

• Offer hugs and support

• Offer water

• Enter into a space for a teachable moment

  • “I know you were so angry when your brother took your toy without asking. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hurt people. When we do feel angry, what are some things we can do instead?”

    • Take deep breaths

    • Take a break

    • Use your words and say “I was not done playing with that toy.”

    • Ask for help

Breathing

When I work with children and families, breathing sounds like such a silly recommendation because we breathe all day long without thinking about it. Right? But when was the last time that you sat and took purposeful breaths? The kind of breaths that your belly expanded while you took a very deep inhale, you held your breath for a few seconds, and then you tried to exhale every last breath in your lungs. Probably not very often! Being intentional and focusing on the breath is what we refer to as purposeful breathing. This is our goal as we get older to do when we get stressed out and need to clear our minds. When our kids are little, we want to model and instruct them to take a breath. When my little one is having a hard time, our first directive is “Look at me. Take a breath”. As I provide the instruction, I also model taking a big breath. It may take a few prompts but as soon as they take a breath, provide praise “I love how you took a breath” and then encourage them to take one additional breath (if able/willing). If not, I then ask my son to “Use your words. How can I help?”

Take a break

Some kids may benefit from being removed from the place that may be triggering or overstimulating. At that point, I go ahead and ask my toddler “Do you want to go play in your room” or help move them to their bedroom. We want to help our kids find a space where they feel safe and can reset. Their bedroom can be the perfect place for this to happen, as they can quietly read, look at books, color, or play with quiet toys. It is important to note: This is NOT a form of punishment for how they acted. This serves as an opportunity to regain composure and reset. If you are not at home, helping your child find a space that is less stimulating and quieter can help achieve the same goal. We are trying to help our child find a space to reset and that’s not easy to do in an overstimulating area.

Offering choices

We all crave to feel some sort of control over our lives. This is no different for our littles. Giving our children choices help them feel like they are in control, have some degree of power, and can express their opinion. You may find it better to work collaboratively with your toddler, rather than as a “boss”. Every time you give your little ones the chance to make a choice, they can then start to realize what happens when they make one choice over the other (known as cause and effect). When giving choices, make sure they are simple (i.e., Do you want a bowl or plate? Do you want to go to the neighborhood park or the big park? Do you want to play with blocks or read stories?"). Not only are we providing our toddlers with the chance to make their own choices and feel in control and have a sense of power, but we are also helping to avoid power struggles over things that could have been addressed by asking a question. We all want control and we as the adult, do not always have to be in the driver’s seat.

A Big thought about BIG feelings

We are not born with the innate ability to appropriately regulate our emotions; rather, we learn through observation, practice, and coaching. So many adults expect kids, with their still-developing brains, to know how to seamlessly regulate their emotions, while so many grown-ups still don’t know how to do this for themselves. Our kids and students are watching us model how to modulate and regulate our emotions and responses to events and situations. It starts with us.